A spoof of The New Girl
by Zell Bondage Girl
Summary: This is what happens when I make a spoof of my own story. Same rules apply. Please don't hurt me. R/R and I'll give you a lollipop. ^.~
1. Anew person to take up space

Author's Note: Warning, this is a spoof of "The New Girl". I did it because I'm not ready to let go of the cast of that story. *Sniffles* Oh, yeh! And I don't own Final Fantasy, blah, blah, blah. You know all the rest. P.S. It helps if you read the actual story first. ^.~   
  
  
Chapter One: Anew person to take up more space.  
  
  
"I am very proud of you all," Cid praised. "Very proud indeed."   
  
Zell flipped him off when his back was turned, causing Selphie to giggle.   
  
"Yes, Miss Tilmitt?" Cid asked, "Is there something funny?"   
  
Selphie covered her mouth, trying to hide her giggles, and shook her head furiously.   
  
"Okay," Cid sighed, "Now, like I was saying-"  
  
Suddenly, the door flew open, hitting Squall's head. He flew back several feet and landed on Quistis, whose face turned bright red.   
  
In waltzed a gothic beauty. She was perfection in everyway imaginable. She went to walk into the room, but tripped over her own boots and fell flat on her face.   
  
Selphie giggled, and Zell raised his eyebrow.   
  
"Uh.. May I help you young lady?" Cid asked, visibly upset by the rude interruption.  
  
The girl stood up, and brushed herself off, "Yeah! I'll say! I'm here to kill you!"   
  
Everyone's eyes got big. "Excuse me?" Cid stuttered.   
  
The girl's face turned bright red, "Ahhh... I mean... I'm here to buy you lunch!"   
  
Cid breathed a sigh of relief, "Oh, OK. For a second there, I could of sworn you said you were here to kill me."   
  
The girl revealed a knife and raised it above Cid's head. He turned around, and she started scratching her head with it, "Uh... I have lice!" She proclaimed, pretending to scratch furiously.   
  
"Okkkkaaayyyy..." Cid blinked, "Zell? How about you show her around?"   
  
Zell sighed, and stood up. "What's yer name?" he asked the girl when they were out in the hall.   
  
"I am Batboy!" the girl cried, pretending to fly like a bird.   
  
Zell knotted his eyebrows together in confusion. 'This girl sure is weird.' he thought to himself.   
"Is that your real name?"   
  
The girl stopped dead in her tracks, "No, it's Ceres Leigh Almasy the First!"   
  
Zell wasn't watching where he was walking, so, of course, he ran into a pole. "Ouch..." he moaned as Ceres helped him up. "You're Seifer's sister?"   
  
"Yeah!" Ceres exclaimed, "But lemme tell you a little secret, I think we have different daddies, 'cuz our mommy was a WHORE!"   
  
Zell blinked, "Okay."   
  
Ceres giggled, and leaned over, trying to kiss Zell, but instead, kissed the wall. "Well, I've gotta go unpack now, it was nice meeting you Hell!"   
  
"Uh..." Zell called after her as she ran in the wrong direction, "It's Zell!" 


	2. A Hope of Scoring

Chapter Two: A Hope of Scoring.  
  
It didn't take long for word to get out that Ceres Almasy was the easiest lay in the entire galaxy...er...I meant, that she was Seifer's sister! Yeah!   
  
She was over-crowed by millions of guys, all who showed deep concern for her breasts...I mean, brother!   
'Wow..' she thought amazingly to herself, 'I never knew this many people cared about my breasts!...er...brother!"   
  
Her mission, should she choose to accept it, was to kill Dawson Leery... er.. Cid Kramer! She had found out that he had used her breasts....er...brother! as a puppet. She had overheard Cid talking on the phone as she was wondering around some hotel, lost out of her mind.   
  
Zell became one of her best friends. Even though she often caught him staring at her breasts. (No, that is NOT a typo, this time.)   
  
"HEY!" Zell screamed, standing on top of the water fountain, "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!! WOOHOO! WOO-" his cheering was cut short as he fell from his throne.   
  
Ceres giggled and walked over to him, "Hiya kingy-wingy."   
  
Zell blinked, "I heard you took your test today."   
  
Ceres eyes got big, "You mean?! The test was TODAY?!"   
  
"You didn't take it?"   
  
"Er.... Of course I did!"   
  
Zell hugged her, "Well, I hope you pass!"   
  
Ceres blinked.   
  
"Attention, would all of you losers who probably failed the SeeD exam please report to the 2nd floor classrooms, repeat, would all of you losers who probably failed the SeeD exam please report to the 2nd floor. "   
  
"I guess that means me!" Ceres exclaimed, smiling proudly.   
  
Zell nodded, "Good luck!"   
  
Ceres ran off, singing, "Happy happy Grapefruits!" at the top of her lungs.   
  
*********************************************  
  
Zell had been looking for Ceres approximately 15 minutes. And he was about to give up. "Where...is...she...at?" he huffed, out of breath.   
  
("Wait.. how can I be outta breath? All I did was call Squall." *Smacks Zell* "Because I am the author and I said so damnit!")   
  
Zell blinked, "Maybe I should call Ceres maybe she'll know where Ceres is at!"   
  
Zell picked up his shoe and dialed her number. "Jeez... I guess no one is home!"   
  
Suddenly, the door flew open, and in stumbled a VERY drunk Selphie, "Heyaaa Heellllll. WANNA GO TO THE PARTY?!"   
  
Zell shrugged his shoulders, "Okay!"  
  
  
*Author's Note: No, I do not hate Zell or Ceres. Zell being one of my favourite characters in this game, and Ceres being one of my favourite creations. I just like seeing them act like idiots. ^.~ * 


	3. Close, but no Lucky Charms

Chaper Three: Almost, but no lucky charms.   
  
"Wow!" Zell exclaimed when they got to the party. Everyone was drunk, or passed out. "This looks like fun!"   
  
Selphie giggled, "Yuuuuuuuup."   
  
"WOOHOO!" Zell turned to see Squall shouting at the top of his lungs, "TAKE IT OFF!! OH YEAH BABY!!!!"   
  
Standing on the dessert tray, was a very drunk, very nude, Ceres. She was dancing around, as guys threw her money.   
  
"Heee-eeeyy!" Quistis called up from the floor, where she had fallen earlier, and had yet to get up, "Somebody put on some DISCO!"   
  
Suddenly a large disco ball came down and everyone starting dancing along to "Staying Alive".   
  
By the time that the party broke up, due to some idiot calling the cops, everyone was drunker than drunk could possibly be. Zell looked around for Ceres, and found her talking to a plant.   
  
"You," she slurred, lazily putting her arm around the plant, "Are my bestest friend ever. I love you, man." she started crying, "Ya know?"   
  
"Hey!" Zell called, walking over to her. She looked up, "Hey, I'm busy here, can't you see. Now, what do ya want?"   
  
Zell shrugged, "I figured we could go back to my room and fuck."   
  
Ceres nodded seriously, "OK!" she turned to the plant, "I'll see you later, 'kay?"   
  
Together they drunkingly made their way to Zell's dorm. When they reached it, they started to make out.   
When Zell went to unbutton Ceres' pants, she grabbed his hand.   
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"You can't do that." she replied.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"'Cuz I have one of those chastity belts on."   
  
"Do not!"   
  
"Do too, check it out."   
  
So Zell unbuttoned her pants. True to her word, there was a chastity belt. "Look, it's IRON UNDERWEAR!" Ceres cried, giggling.  
  
Zell whined, "Where's the key?"   
  
Ceres blinked, "You'll never believe this, but my cat swallowed it."   
  
Zell groaned, "Where's that cat at? I'ma gonna cut him open and take it out!"  
  
"NOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Ceres cried, "You can't kill Mr.Fluffy!"   
  
Zell pouted. "Not fair."   
  
Ceres blinked, and then proceeded to throw up on him. "Oopise woopsie."   
  
Zell looked down at his clothes, "EEP! How am I gonna get this out?"   
  
"Use ketchup," Ceres said gravely, "It works."   
  
So Zell went into the kitchen and poured ketchup all over himself.   
  
"Well, that didn't work." he said coming back to the bedroom.   
  
When Ceres saw him, she screamed, "Oh my God Zell! You're bleeding!" She screamed again and ran out of the door, crying. 


	4. You almost killed me!

Chapter Four: You almost killed me!  
  
Zell had been trying to talk to Ceres for several days, but everytime she saw him, she started screaming, "OH MY GOD!!! IT'S ZELL'S GHOST!!! AHHHHH!!!!" and ran off, crying.   
  
After that, Selphie was pretty much the only one who didn't run away screaming when they saw him. She would just look deeply into his eyes, giggling, and say, "Wow.. You look so human like for a dead guy!!"   
  
Zell sighed, wondering where Ceres could be at. So, he went to check for her in the cafeteria. But, what do you know, they were serving hot dogs that day. Zell promised himself he would eat just one, because he still hadda find Ceres, but one turned into two, two turned into twelve, and so on and so on...  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
Ceres was at the Training Centre, looking for some monsters to fight. "C'mon!" she shouted at the bushes, "You want some? COME GET SOME!"   
  
Suddenly, she heard something approaching her, she turned, as saw a T-Rexuar, "Oh?! You wanna take me on big boy?! You're gonna be crying for your mommy before this is all over!" she took out her weapon, a straw. She smacked the T-Rexuar repeatedly with it, yelling, "Oh yeh!! Aren't ya gonna run, little man?! I bet you're gonna pee your pants!"   
  
The T-Rexuar blinked. Then turned, "Yeh! You better run! Chicken!" Ceres shouted. The T-Rexuar turned around, his tail hitting Ceres, knocking her back several yards.   
  
Blood was gushing out of her side, but that didn't matter. She struggled to stand up, still yelling, "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!" she fell back down though, and started throwing rocks at the T-Rexuar. Suddenly the creature fell asleep, and Zell ran to her side. "Please.." he cried, "Please don't die! We haven't slept together yet!" Ceres blinked, and passed out cold.  
  
  
~ Ahh, just like a guy to only care about getting laid when you're dying. ^.~ No offense guys. Tee-hee. Sorry this is so short, I've been wrapped up in writing yet another fanfic about Ceres, entitled "The Reunion." Check it out, and please, take the time to review. I'll give ya a lollipop after all. ^.~ 


End file.
